As I’m sorting through piles of books I came across “Trust Your Vibes Oracle Cards” by Sonia Choquette. I thought, “what the hell, pull a card“. After some awkward shuffling I flipped over the top card – No. 18, Mentors and Role Models. The handy-dandy guidebook tells me that this is an indicator I should be looking at mentors and role models, those people that are artistic, graceful, supportive, fun, spontaneous, open, ethical, laughing, etc.
Hmm. I actually tend to shut down or throw up my walls when around people like that. I think it’s partially a fear of being sucked into their vortex (losing myself or being seen as a follower/hanger-on), partially a fear of being seen as ‘less than’ those folks (I’m ok but they are better than me, competition), and what I’ve always told myself is that I’m dimming myself so they can shine (there can only be one bright light at a time). I find myself not just shutting down but getting incredibly judgement towards those people. More than likely it is not just envy but plain ole jealousy towards them. I know my light doesn’t shine nearly as bright, that I’m flawed, that I’m just not ‘enough’ so I don’t even try to shine, who the fuck are they do so? they are just as flawed and messed up as I am. Why do they try to shine when they are obviously aren’t entitled to shine?
The other side of this is that I reject being a mentor or role model, yet I find myself at times being nudged into that direction, or people looking to me for guidance. Unless it’s in the workplace I have no interest in being someone’s mentor. I’m too impatient and messed up. I want to be the one to learn from others. I’m craving leadership and guidance, someone to give me the answers or spin me in the right direction. How can I possibly present myself as a leader, as someone who has got my shit together, who has all the answers for others when I’m too flawed to help myself?
Yeah, it’s ugly in my head
some most days.
I swear to gawd I have some of the weirdest dreams!
Tonight I dreamed I was in a city, maybe New Orleans, wandering around at night. I had my camera and my Nook, and was wearing a tee shirt, yoga pants, and my Skechers ballet flats. Yeah, this is how detailed the dream was! I was wandering around little nooks and crannies when I went down a dark alley. I saw a horse drawn carriage come up with a bunch of well dressed people. I watched as they were herded into a lovely B&B and spoken to very harshly by the staff. One of the guys struck up a conversation with me, explaining the B&B’s package was that they “kidnapped” the guests and brought them here to this lovely little hotel. He gave me a tour of this quaint but obviously with very expensive place, gave me a copy of their menu and let me wander in the courtyard taking pics. We were also like a bubble or false sky environment as every and now then this huge cartoon-y rocket would “blast off” and rotate across the sky. Then I spot this street where everyone looks blue. Like a dark blue light is shining down. I realized that is the “vampire street” and make note to come back later. No clue what blue light and vampires have to do with each other. Then I spotted a couple people I know. One is a current co-worker the other a former co-worker. They were across the street and going into this wild looking radio station slash tourist attraction. It was old school, where the DJ was visible from the street, the windows were open, people could walk up and talk or make requests. The former co-worker started singing over the radio and sounded just like Dolly Parton. She so impressed the station they offered to dye her hair for free. Evidently they workers there were also hair stylist and they were known for offering to do people’s hair if they impressed them. Former co-worker declined since she said she had never colored her hair before (which is not true) and told them to color mine instead. I woke up as we were discussing what I wanted done. Weird, right?
Saturday morning I had an incredibly realist but brief dream that shook me to the core: For reals, I had woken up and was having a hard time going back to sleep. As I laid in the bed my perspective or line of sight changed (first clue that I was dreaming). I could suddenly see more into my dining room and was noticing lights from various electronic devices (and there are none there), such as cable box, clock, my Wii. Then someone (WHAT!?!?!?!?) gently strokes the top of my head, throws an arm around me and snuggles in closer. I could feel the body heat, feel the bed shift as they got comfortable, and hear the low snorting grumbling noise some people make. I was fucking freaking out! I thought someone had slipped in the house and into my bed. My heart was pounding, I was paralyzed from fear! I literally jumped up out of bed, and woke up when I stumbled into the wall, fumbling for the light switch. I realized it was just a dream but DAMN! that was so real and fucking freaky! my heart pounded for nearly an hour afterwards. I jumped at every sound or noise. I even got up again and checked all the doors and windows. Double Plus Weird!
I find that I cannot physically eat as much as I used to. Not that I’m complaining – It’s just surprising!
Saturday night I went out to eat with CurrentLover to a local bbq place. Their ribs come in 3 sizes which basically translates to 4 ribs, 8 ribs or 12 ribs. Who the hell only eats 4 ribs??? So I ordered 8 ribs. Five of those ribs, plus 1/2 a baked potato and coleslaw, are sitting in my frig.
This afternoon I met my mom for wings. Again, who only eats 6 bone-in chicken wings??? I ordered 12 (split between sweet bbq sauce and garlic&parmesan). I brought home 8 of the wings along with a handful of onion rings.
In both instances I was absolutely stuffed. Miserably full. This is a completely new sensation for me! I used to be able to clear my plate and probably sneak a few bites off other folks’. So weird! I’m loving it!