Last weekend I had a wonderful, blissful, fun, relaxing and invigorating weekend camping at PreHeat, a regional Burn. I love being around the creative spirits that are Burners. They are just so damn cool!
I had a lovely pleasant sexual encounter with a very nice gentleman… and he made a compliment that I just cannot quite get out of my brain.
We met one day and chatted briefly. As with most Burns, we were both distracted into different directions and laughingly parted. Much later that evening we crossed paths again. Our energies just meshed and we had a great time in each others company. In the midst of one of those deep intense intimate conversations that lovers seem to only have when we’re recovering from spectacular sex he paid me a compliment.
Now, he’s been very complimentary and flattering this whole night. I felt absolutely safe and comfortable with him. There is no way he could have known what he was saying would affect me so. He had no means of knowing my history and my issues.
So what the hell did he say? Basically he asked me if I was, or had been, a whore because I was so good at sex.
I was so extremely flattered. I was delighted he was enjoying his time with me. This confirmed my previous interest in Sacred Sexuality and Sacred Whores (note the Ianna/Ishtar representation and similar it is to Lilith representation). At the time, I was shocked speechless and thrilled down to my toes.
I come home and reach out to a guy I had been seeing before things got crazy at work. I’m feeling renewed energies and positive about the future. I’m looking forward to getting back on track with my exercise and food. I’ve gained about 10lbs which is causing bad joint and muscle pain but I’m feeling really good about my body. My negative self-talk isn’t as bad as in the past. All in all, I’m pretty damn chipper yes?
Then the guy I’m seeing makes it clear he’s just interested in a physical relationship. Totally understandable as he just got out of a long unhappy marriage. But… damn it. I like him. I want more than just sex. Then I remember the compliment.
I’m now feeling guilty over the pleasure and delight that compliment caused me. I just… I mean… Maybe… I dunno. Does this mean I’m not good enough for a Relationship? I’m not worthy of romantic love? That no one will ever see me as being of value or a positive in their life?
Damn it. I don’t believe that. I’m pretty fucking spectacular, intelligent, and interesting. I’ll just keep on keeping on and stay open to potential 🙂