As I’m sorting through piles of books I came across “Trust Your Vibes Oracle Cards” by Sonia Choquette. I thought, “what the hell, pull a card“. After some awkward shuffling I flipped over the top card – No. 18, Mentors and Role Models. The handy-dandy guidebook tells me that this is an indicator I should be looking at mentors and role models, those people that are artistic, graceful, supportive, fun, spontaneous, open, ethical, laughing, etc.
Hmm. I actually tend to shut down or throw up my walls when around people like that. I think it’s partially a fear of being sucked into their vortex (losing myself or being seen as a follower/hanger-on), partially a fear of being seen as ‘less than’ those folks (I’m ok but they are better than me, competition), and what I’ve always told myself is that I’m dimming myself so they can shine (there can only be one bright light at a time). I find myself not just shutting down but getting incredibly judgement towards those people. More than likely it is not just envy but plain ole jealousy towards them. I know my light doesn’t shine nearly as bright, that I’m flawed, that I’m just not ‘enough’ so I don’t even try to shine, who the fuck are they do so? they are just as flawed and messed up as I am. Why do they try to shine when they are obviously aren’t entitled to shine?
The other side of this is that I reject being a mentor or role model, yet I find myself at times being nudged into that direction, or people looking to me for guidance. Unless it’s in the workplace I have no interest in being someone’s mentor. I’m too impatient and messed up. I want to be the one to learn from others. I’m craving leadership and guidance, someone to give me the answers or spin me in the right direction. How can I possibly present myself as a leader, as someone who has got my shit together, who has all the answers for others when I’m too flawed to help myself?
Yeah, it’s ugly in my head
some most days.